The Protector Chronicles
by Phx-Songbird
Summary: How will the vows that Severus made be affetced if Lily lives? How will Lily react to her former friend being an order member, and her son's teacher? Harry's school years told from the POV of Lily and Severus. Extremely AU.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Thanks to JK Rowling who lets us, the FanFic authors, play with her wonderful creation.**

**A/N: This story is extremely AU. Cannon goes out the window from the first chapter. You have been warned.**

**Thanks to TreenBeen was graciously beta'd this for me. **

Chapter 1

31 October 1981

Lily

He's coming for us. I don't know how he found out where we were hiding, but he knows. James, my James, he's killed him. I have to get Harry and get out of here. I need to stop crying, there will be time for that later. We have to get out of here first. I pick up my baby and make to leave but it's already too late. He's here. I wasn't fast enough. I'm not quite sure how he made up the stairs so fast, but there's not much I can do now to escape. I have to face him if I intend on saving my baby. I will do anything within my power to protect Harry. There is nothing in heaven or hell that will keep me from protecting my son against this monster. He may have already taken my James, but he is not going to kill my Harry, not while I have breath within in me.

Oh no, he's about to do just that. "Stand aside, mud-blood," he says to me, "and I may just spare your pathetic life." By some miracle, or perhaps because of his arrogance, I managed to be faster to the draw. I raised my wand and, summoned every ounce of my magic. "Avada Kedavra!" He yells at what seems like the top of his lungs. The flash of green light leaves the tip of his wand and is headed right for my baby. At the same time a flash of gold leaves my wand I do not remember speaking any incantation, but I feel power leaving body. It's too late the green light of his wand touches my baby, but the impossible seems to happen right before my eyes. The golden spell wraps around Harry and the killing curse rebounds and hits the evil one in the chest.

I immediately go and check to see if my baby is still alive. I cry begin to cry to tears of anguish and joy. I did not lose my son. He is still lying in his cot squirming and crying as little boys are wont to do at that age. He seems unhurt, but for a scar on his forhead. I will have to get the healers to look at it. For now all I can do is hold him to my chest and we cry together. He-who-must-not-be-named lies dead at my feet. Harry is safe, for now at the very least.

5 November 1981

Severus

I watched her from behind a tree as she stood in front of the grave where her now deceased husband had just be laid to rest just days before. I thought I was completely unobserved, but she must have sensed my presence there. She turned on her heel and looked right at me before speaking.

"Severus, what are you doing here?" She asked of me, her tone neither polite nor friendly.

I responded as best as I could, considering how unexpected her reaction to me was. "I… I came to say how sorry I am…" I paused, but without much to say about the loss of James Potter I fumbled for the right words and failed miserably, "for your loss." I realized how sheepish and insincere the words sounded as they left my mouth. In retrospect I should have expected her initial reaction towards me, however, what came after will leave me stunned until my dying day. For all that she was a hot headed Gryffindor, Lily had never reacted violently towards anyone, at least not to my recollection.

In a fit of anger and grief, she flew at me with fists pounding at my chest. The tears were flowing freely from her beautiful eyes, "No you're not!" She shrieked into the chill air, her words punctuated by sobs. "You're a liar, and hypocrite, and it's all… your… fault." It was more than I could take. I had already regretted coming here, but I allowed her to continue her physical attack on my person. Mostly because I realized that it would serve as an outlet for some her frustration, and also because she was entirely correct in her assessment. It had been my fault. My actions had led to the premature death of her husband.

When she finally tired, her eyes found mine. The eyes that I have always equated with everything lovely were cold, and hard. Gone was the light, and hope they had been to me, only to be replaced by scorn, and regret. The gaze that at one time in my sorry life brought inspiration only brought sorrow, and instantly managed to tear away at was left of my soul.

There was nothing I could ever say to deny her accusation, so I remained silent. When I could no longer take the torture that could only be described as hatred coming from her eyes, I hung my head allowing my hair to cover my face. My action brought her to speak to me again.

"Severus, just go away and leave us alone," she said in voice as cold as ice.

It was for the first time that I noticed the toddler that was clinging to her robes. He was the spirit and image of his father, but for his eyes. They were the same as his mother's, yet unlike hers they did not regard me with loathing. Lily turned from me and picked up her child, and spoke words of comfort that only a mother could. At that moment I envied Harry Potter, for he had the one thing that I would never possess: Lily's love.

I turned away from them and apparated into the night. I would respect her wishes and leave them alone. It was the only thing I could do for her now.

**I know it's short, but the first ten chapters have already been written. With the possibility of an epilogue to go. **

**Thanks for reading and reviewing.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: They all belong to Rowling. We are ever so grateful that she allows us to play with them.**

Chapter 2

1 September 1991

Severus

He has arrived at last. Her child is here at Hogwarts. He has not been in the castle for an hour, and already he is glaring daggers at me. I can't help but wonder how much has he been told about what transpired ten years ago. The looks he deigns to give me already let me know that he was clearly raised to despise me. "I will give you plenty of reasons to do so, _Potter_. Do not doubt it" I only associate the name with his arrogant bastard of a father, and not of his kind and lovely mother. It is not difficult. He already appears to be the epitome of his father. I will soon put a stop to the Potter arrogance. No bloody Gryfindors getting away with murder on my watch, nor in my classroom.

Surely the others will try and coddle him; after all he is the boy-who-lived. He earned that title, no thanks to his useless father. Harry Potter would probably be as good as dead, just as his worthless sire if not for his mother. Lily was capable of being a true representation of what her house is supposed to stand for. I will defend that boy; I have vowed to do so. I would give my dying breath to ensure that the boy lives to fulfill his destiny. That is my word. I gave it the day I came before Dumbledore on my knees. That was, and will be the extent of any humiliations that I will endure on the count of that boy. The others may do as they wish; I will not change in the slightest just because James Potter's progeny has become a student here. Just because I am his avowed protector does not mean that I have to like the boy. I have a reputation to maintain after all.

30 June 1992

Lily

I can't believe that Harry and his friends took such great risks to procure the Philosopher's Stone. They are just young children, and should not be involved in these matters. If I have my way Harry will never have anything to do with this fight. We all already suspected that I had not truly destroyed the beast on that fateful day. When he killed James and made an attempt to kill my baby I did everything I could to stop him, but it not enough. Whatever form of dark magic he used on himself apparently still lets him live despite the killing spell that rebounded on his person, if he can be called that. His blatant attempts to return must be stopped at nearly any cost. However, this will not happen at the cost of my son's life. Albus may have more faith in that prophecy than any of us. He is wiser than any other member of the order, I will grant him that. Age and experience in these matters are not lacking in him. He has stopped dark lords before, and he will do so again. That is my greatest hope. I do not desire for my son and his friends to have to grow too quickly, and with the prospect of a war hanging over their heads. This war started long before they were even born and should not be of any concern to them, nor should it be the cause of their deaths. It is all a mother can hope for.

**I know it's short, but the next one will be posted in couple of days. Thanks for reading and reviewing.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry for the delay in posting this. I got struck down by the flu. The thought of sitting in front of the computer to post this was to much to bear in my weakened condition. I still feel like crap, but on with the story. Some reviews would certainly help in my recovery. :)**

**As usual, these characters do not belong to me. I just like to play with them a bit.**

**Thanks to my beta TreenBeen.**

Chapter 3

21 February 1993

Severus

The majority of the staff and student body believe that Potter is the heir of Slytherin, but I have my reasons to believe otherwise. Whatever has been attacking the students' needs to be stopped. I will admit that my motives are not completely altruistic. While it may sound selfish to most, I have no desire to leave this castle. It has been my safe haven for a dozen years, and has been the closest thing to a home for most of my life. I would never admit being concerned about the student populace, especially those of muggle descent, but I am. Many will think that I don't care about any of the children that attend this facility, but most particularly those who have no blood from a witch or a wizard in their recent genealogical history. I suppose it is a common, if unfounded, assumption, because I am head of Slytherin house. It is far from the truth, however. Of course, I could never let on that care about any of them. With a reputation at stake, and with the return of the Dark Lord growing ever nearer, I must still play the game. Pure blood is superior. My own experiences, along with my observations as teacher within this school, have proven that this is not always the case. Yet it is something that I may never voice out loud, lest it reach the wrong ears. To maintain my position of respect within my house, and my position within the Death Eaters, I will continue to pretend that I believe this, also. I know that the time will come when it will become necessary for others to have heard that I too stand by those beliefs. Too many members of my own house have been raised to believe this rubbish and spout it at regular intervals.

This does not mean that I am not concerned about my students. I may not care for any of them personally, but I don't wish for any of them to die. The consequences could be dire. The reputation of the school may be at stake. Parents will begin to remove their children soon enough if these incidents persist. The potions will be brewed to revitalize those who have already petrified as soon as the mandrakes have matured. I want desperately for them to recover. They may be nothing but a lot of ungrateful dunderheads, but even I, the sardonic and dark potions master, wish to see them all safe. But most of all I don't want to leave here. Is it too much to ask for? Perhaps it is.

1 July 1993

Lily

How can this be happening again? Was it not only a year ago that my son faced the specter of you-know-who before the Mirror of Erised? I can't understand how Albus can be allowing this to happen right under his nose. Perhaps I was all wrong in my assessment of the old man's wisdom regarding fighting battles and defeating dark lords. Truly he is one of the most powerful wizards alive, but I fear that he is losing his metal faculties. It's almost as if he is preparing my only son to face off the greatest evil to have faced us in an age. I know without a doubt that a second war against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is immanent. However, I cannot allow the old man to send my boy off to battle based on a on an obscure prophecy that may or may not even concern him.

Yet, even I must admit that Harry was probably born to do this more than any of us. At the tender age of twelve he has encountered him twice and has managed to prevail. I am so frightened for my son. As his mother it is my duty to protect him, to keep him from this present darkness that threatens to consume us all. I will do that willingly. I would lay down my life for him if it should ever come to it. What I can not do is keep him from this war as much as that is my desire to do so. If only James were here. He would surely know what to do. It has been difficult being both a mother and a father to him. He has never lacked love, but he has always needed that paternal figure in his life. Thank goodness for the Weasely's. They have been such a help with Harry, from being big brothers to teaching him how to fly. Not that not having anyone around to teach him would have kept him from becoming Hogwarts' youngest seeker in centuries; I must say that my boy is a natural… he surely inherited it from his father.

I wish Remus would have remained closer to us. His condition keeps him away. He was always ashamed of what he was, but he would have made a wonderful male role model for Harry in spite of how he sees himself. I have it on good word that Albus has decided to hire him to be the Defense instructor for the next term. I can breathe a sigh of relief. There will finally be someone at that school that will keep Harry and his friends from getting into the kind of trouble that could them get killed… someone to watch over him where I cannot. That thought frightens me… that I cannot always be where Harry is, keeping him safe. I am afraid.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

1 September 1993

Severus

The ineptitude that the Ministry is capable of never ceases to amaze me. To have that traitorous cur Black escape right underneath their very noses is an outrage. If I have anything to do about it that mongrel will be captured and kissed before start of the new term. It is bad enough that Albus has decided yet again to hire another useless Defense instructor. How will these children ever learn to properly defend themselves against this type of menace? It is not only his teaching methods that I would have to question. I know that he is hardly a dunderhead. I went to school with him for seven years, and he always managed to do well in spite of all the classes he was forced to miss due to his condition. What concerns me most is his ability to be the head of the class. It was always blatantly obvious that this wolf was no alpha. Surely the blasted werewolf will bring nothing but the wrath of the board of governors upon this institution as soon as the students begin to put the clues together. As if we didn't already have enough problems to contend with after the debacle with the chamber of secrets last term.

I hope that Albus truly knows what he is doing. I loathe being one of the pieces on his giant chess board. I will continue to do as he sees fit. I swore to do so many years ago, for her. The only logical explanation for what seems like a rash decision to hire the mongrel is that the wolf will some how manage to keep the Potter boy safe from Black. Lupin knows him better than anyone alive. Yet I don't think that putting the education of all of the students in jeopardy, just to protect Potter's hide, hardly justifies the means. As always the headmaster will do whatever he sees fit and the pawns, such as me, and in this case Lupin will be moved about the board at his discretion. Consequences be damned, and there will be consequences of that I am almost certain.

13 July 1994

Lily

Unbelievable, simply unbelievable; all this time we thought Sirius had betrayed us, and it turned out to be Peter. If I had not heard the whole sordid tale from Remus, and Harry I might not have believed it. All these years I hated Sirius as much as I hate Severus for the loss of James in our lives. I never knew the identity of our secret keeper. James thought it would be safer for us if less people knew. I trusted his judgment in these matters. He was a pure blood wizard and to certain extent he did have more knowledge on the subject than I ever could. Unfortunately, he did not exercise that same judgment when selecting friends, but who was I judge? Hadn't I been the one to befriend Severus? I can blame it on the fact that we were children when we made these choices. I already saw Severus for what he was before we left school. Too bad that James did not see what Peter had become. It could have made all the difference in our lives.

Here I thought that Harry and his friends would have a safe year at school because Remus would be around to protect them. I never would have believed that Severus would stand up to a werewolf to keep children safe, most especially, James' son. For this I am grateful, but still cannot find it within myself to forgive him. Harry has told me about the other times when Severus has been there to protect him. How he kept him from falling off his broom during his first year, how he actually defended him when Filch accused him of petrifying his cat. I will definitely have to monitor this situation. I will not allow Severus to use this as way to worm himself back into my life. I can never forgive his betrayal. He turned his back on the possibility of friendship long ago. Albus may trust him, but I do not. I will not. I cannot, ever again.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

25 August 1994

Lily

This will probably be the last year I get to take Harry school shopping. Come next year he will be old enough to meet his friends at Diagon Alley, and they can do their own shopping. I am almost certain that it will be relief to him, not to have mummy tagging along for a change. I sigh as I think that I will not be concerned about that until next year. I must help Harry select dress robes this year. The children do not know yet, but Hogwarts will be host to the Tri-wizard Tournament. This means that there will be a ball, hence the dress robes. This set will be Harry's first. We have not been to any event that was ever fancy enough to warrant them. Had James' parents been alive, things would have been quite different. They belonged to high society, and even though Harry and I are the heirs to the Potter's fortune, my muggle born status does not qualify me to enter the echelons of high ranking wizarding society. I must say, that I have not been affected in the least.

I watch Harry try on his dress robes, and nice bottle green color that will bring out his eyes. It is moments like these when a mother is most proud. Watching your little boy become a young man is one of those things that can surely make one's heart just burst with pride. He is even more handsome than James was. I know that there is a young lady that he will want to invite to the ball. I won't pry into his private life, so I dare not ask. He's growing up so fast, I am simply awestruck. I will see him off to the train in a week's time, every year I have been doing so with some fear in my heart. My Harry is always getting caught in affairs that are beyond his years. This year shouldn't be too difficult. There is an age limit to the tournament, thus making it impossible for him to compete. Hopefully my son will be safe this year. Death eater activity has been reported. The ministry couldn't hide that fiasco at the world cup. Still, it shouldn't affect the children at Hogwarts. I hope that to be the case.

June 1995

Severus

It's only matter of time. The mark has been growing darker and darker upon my pale skin. I have already warned Albus. I would not ever confess this to another living soul save the headmaster, I am afraid. The mark had been faint, hardly visible, but now it is nearly as discernable as the accursed day that I chose to receive it and it is pulsing with evil magic. I will have to return when I summoned. I am almost certain that I will not be received with open arms back into the fold. I already know what to expect from 'my Lord'. The choices that I made during the folly of my youth will come back to haunt me this very night.

I can feel something nefarious in the air tonight. Potter is out there in that maze and there is not much I can do in the way of protecting him. I had not been chosen as one of the professors to guard the maze. Luckily for the boy, Mad-Eye is out there. At the very least I can count on him to keep the boy safe. He might be an over cautious old loon, but he is one of the best there is. Yet, there is something about the quite of this evening's task that sends shivers down my spine. Something very odd is happening in there. I see red sparks in the air. One of the challengers has been trapped and needs to be rescued. It is Miss Delacour. This should get exciting soon enough, but my mind does not seem too interested in it.

I hide behind layers of clothing and I still feel exposed. The mark cares not for the clothing I wear. My shame may be hidden from prying eyes, but there are more than enough people who know that I bear it. I may have repented of it publicly but, there are very few who actually believe the validity of the statement that I made before the Wizengamot. Many claimed to have been coerced or forced. I did nothing of the kind, and in the process I garnered no sympathy from the populace. They all wondered, and wonder still, why Dumbledore ever bothered to vouch for me. If they knew the truth of it, oh, wouldn't they be surprised? Those self-righteous fools who judge and know not would fall to their knees begging forgiveness.

Damn. I am being summoned. I must warn Albus. Karkaroff comes to me with a look of complete fright upon his features. If he is about to do what I believe he is planning, than he is dead man. The only way out of the Death Eaters is death. I cannot make a choice for him. I can only do what I have already sworn to do. Finally, I find Albus; there has been a tragedy in the maze. One of the champions is dead. I fear that this is not at all a coincidence. I must answer the call. I can no longer delay. The longer I wait, the more dire the consequences will be for me. What I will have to endure for this cause will be more than enough without adding the type of punishment that I will surely receive at the end of the Dark Lord's wand if I continue to keep him waiting. I beg Albus with my eyes to release me. The burning on my arm is becoming quite painful. I roll up my sleeve to show him and that fool, Fudge. Surely, the evidence of what is happening will prompt him into action. I can only hope.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

July 1995

Lily

We are all staying at the old Black place. It is for our own safety Albus assures us. I know that Harry will be safe within these walls, not because of the fidelus charm that keeps the location unknown to all but to the members of the order and their children, but because of those residing within its walls. Sirius and Remus would both gladly lay down their lives to protect the life of the son of their best friend. I can only love them more for it. It was wonderful to have Sirius' innocence proved; it was not an official declaration, only in the eyes of his friends and loved ones. For me it was enough. James had treasured Sirius' friendship above all others. They had been like brothers since the day they met on the train.

In an effort to keep them busy, Molly and I gave the children clean up duty of the old house. Kreacher, the old house elf had neglected the house for years. This kept everyone busy. We all worked at bring the house back into livable conditions. Molly ran a tight ship and the rest of us fell in line. We always made a point of finding some impossible task to keep the children occupied while the adults met in the kitchen. I already knew that Harry resented that I did not allow him to participate in any of the meetings that Order of the Phoenix was holding in the kitchen almost daily. I did not want to argue that he was still a child. The things that he has seen; and already lived through during his short life have already robbed him of his childhood. I will have to bring this situation up during the next meeting. Just because Molly refused to allow her children to be within hearing range of the goings on of the meetings, did not mean that I had to keep Harry out. This war was going to affect him more than any of us. As his mother, I am duty bound to give him everything he will need to succeed. I am sure that Sirius would agree with me on this matter. However, his word may not be enough. The time he spent locked up in Azkaban Prison has affected his mind. I love him dearly, but his voice may not be the one I want on my side when I bring this topic up at the next meeting.

Severus

I notice that Lily is looking at me as I give my report. She has never bothered to look at me before. Oh, she listens to every word I say, of that I certain. This new development has me a bit wary. Perhaps there is something that she needs; something that she can only obtain through me. She must know that I would give her everything within my power to give. Perhaps she does not know this. It is unimportant; she can be as manipulative and cunning as any respected member of my house can. Even as a child, she always had me sitting passively in the palm of her hand, ready to do her bidding. I cannot say that she was ever malicious towards me, but she knew very well that she held all the power in our relationship. I will just have to wait and see what she will do.

It does not take long for me to find out what she was seeking. As soon as I finish giving my report, she stands to her feet and begins to speak. "Albus?" She addresses our leader first and the looks to rest of sitting at the table and continues.

"Harry is becoming resentful. He does not appreciate that we do not include him in these meetings. I do not feel that he needs to know every detail, but he is no longer a child. What we are doing, that which we fight for, concerns him greatly."

I keep my expression passive, as I always do. It takes much more effort to do so than I usually require. I cannot help but to truly admire her. She is looking for approval in this choice. What I find difficult to believe is that she wants it from me. It does make sense to a certain degree. She will not receive it from Molly, and Arthur will follow suit according the wishes of his wife. Lupin is not assertive enough to make a stand against any of the leaders of the Order. Black may agree with Lily's wishes but his words will not hold water with the senior members of the Order. His mental facilities are questionable at best. Insanity does run amok among the Black family.

I wait patiently for Albus to give a reply. He seems to be deep in thought. If there is a way to manipulate this situation to his advantage, he will surely think on it and act accordingly. I do not care one bit for that boy, but she will not suffer any more heartbreak if there is anything I can do to help it. After what seems like an eternity, the old man responds. "Lily, I do not think it wise for Harry to know about the Order's plans at this time."

Black immediately jumps out his chair, eyes wild. "She is Harry's mother and she should decide whether or not the boy is ready to join the Order."

Soon enough, Molly's opposition joins into mix, and too many people are speaking at the same time. I wait my turn, as I will not be a part of the pandemonium that this meeting has now become.

Lily

He is waiting to speak, I can tell by the look on his face. He thinks he can hide his emotions so well, and perhaps he can to the rest of the world, but not from me. I know him too well. He has not changed much from the time when we were children. I had already anticipated the type of reactions that my request would produce among this group. It was only his opinion that I required. I cannot say why Albus has placed so much trust in him, but whatever his reasoning, I will use it to my advantage. I know that he will side with me even if he does not agree with me entirely. It is his opinion that I value most because I know that Albus will take what he has to say into account. People say many things of Severus Snape, but above all other reproach against his character, no one can deny that he is extremely logical. I am counting on that very logic. I will just have to wait. I can keep my peace while the cries of outrage die down.

My patience finally pays off. Albus raised his hand and voice and called the room to silence. "Everyone, please, there is nothing to be gained with these arguments. As a member of the Order of the Phoenix, Lily has made a request on behalf of her son. I have made my opinion known, but my word should not be the final one. Perhaps we should calmly listen to Lily's reason."

Here was the decisive moment had arrived. Severus stood to his feet, and in doing so, he made me wonder why I had ever thought that he had not changed since we were children. The man that stood in this old kitchen did not resemble the boy I once knew. Gone was the reedy, awkward looking boy, in his place was a stoic, graceful looking man. He was probably still too thin for my liking, but frankly, his health was not really my concern.

"Albus," he spoke in his deep baritone. "Mrs. Potter may have a point. However, I will not concede to having Mr. Potter join the order. He is still too young, and while the outcome of our efforts does concern him greatly, it is still the responsibility of the adult members of this group to keep him safe until the time comes for him to face the Dark Lord. One can only hope that he will be a fully qualified wizard when that time comes. It would be irresponsible to keep him in the dark, yet we must be careful as to what we would reveal to him. Mr. Potter is not the only one who would be affected if the knowledge revealed within these meetings were to fall into the wrong hands."

"Very well," replied Albus. "We will decide jointly what Harry learns. I trust that you can be discreet and only reveal to Harry what we as a group decide."

I bow my head, almost meekly and reply "Thank you, Albus." I turn to dark man who was once my best friend and nod. He acknowledges it with a nod of his own.

December 1995

Severus

The Dark Lord has found a way into Potter's mind. If it was not his desire to dominate and destroy our world, I would be amazed at what an incredibly accomplished wizard he is, even if those accomplishments happen to be in the dark arts. I almost regret having agreed with Lily last summer. I can only hope that the Dark Lord does not know of my place with in the Order of the Phoenix. I believe that it is not the case. Had he learned of my true loyalties and motivation, surely he would have summoned and killed me by now.

I can only wonder what Albus must be thinking. He has already suggested that the boy learn to shield his mind from outside invasions. He cannot mean for me to teach him. The animosity that Potter feels towards me only matches that which I feel towards him. I cannot help but be reminded of his father every time we meet. I do not know how I will manage to teach him anything. What else am I to do? If the headmaster insists upon it, what choice do I really have?

June 1996

Lily

I can hardly believe that Sirius is dead. Harry feels responsible. I truly wish there was something I could do to console him. His friends have been there for him, and I try to reach out to him, but I feel like I am losing my boy. This war has deprived him of his innocence and his childhood. All I can do is stand by and wait for him to come to me, but he is just growing up too fast. He will probably not confide in me as I wish he would. I can only be grateful that he has Ron and Hermione to look out for him.

I cannot understand why you-know-who continues to seek out my Harry. He is just a boy. What threat can a teenaged boy pose to one of the most powerful wizards alive today? I was so sure that I was doing the right thing when I requested Harry to have certain knowledge of the Order. Now I am not sure that I made the right choice. He did not make the best of his lessons in occlumency, but that was only to be expected. What was Albus thinking? Severus was hardly the right person to train him. They absolutely hate each other. I do admit that it is partly my fault. The name of Snape has been a curse in my home since Harry was a baby. It was only natural that he would hate him on sight.

Now my fears have only multiplied because Albus believes that the time has come to train Harry himself. I refuse to accept that my son was born with the sole purpose of defeating a dark wizard. When I became a part of this world as young girl, it seemed like the most wonderful thing. Yet, this world has cost me my husband, many of my good friends and now it will probably take my son. No I cannot, will not think that way.

I remember when Tuney envied me because I was witch. I can honestly say that I envy her now. If she only understood the burden that I carry today, she would never have resented me all those years ago. I miss my sister. Even though she still lives, this world cost me her as well.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

September 1996

Severus

I can hardly believe that I have allowed myself to be put into such a difficult place. Narcissa and Bellatrix are two of a kind for all that one is dark and the other is fair. I do not know how the headmaster will take the news that I have vowed to kill him if Draco cannot. The truth of it is, that I would rather die than commit such an atrocity towards the man who gave me a second chance. There is no love lost between Albus and me, but during the years that I have worked for him I have more than earned his respect.

My deepest hope is that there will be a way to destroy the Dark Lord before it comes to this. I am hardly an optimist, but I do not want to be placed in a position where it would be necessary to kill someone in cold blood. Many may not be willing to believe that I have never raised my wand to kill another, but it is the truth. I fear that I will not be able to do so, rendering my position as a spy within the death eaters useless.

I could probably convince myself to do it by telling myself that Albus is already condemned to death. It is the absolute truth, but it does not make me feel any better about what I will most certainly have to do. The curse upon that blasted ring nearly killed him; it will succeed eventually. The potions that I brew for him will only keep him alive for so long. What will become of me when he is gone? Who will vouch for me? No one will. It has become evident that he does not mean for me to survive this war. Even if he did, the probabilities of it are not stacked in my favor.

This is going to be a very difficult year. I hope that the boy is up for the task before Albus passes to the other side of the veil.

June 1997

Lily

Death Eaters in the castle, it was surreal. Times are getting darker and darker. The call for the Order had been a frantic one but we were able to chase them out with little damage to our side, or so we thought. Greyback bit the eldest of the Weasley boys. Severus murdered Albus right in front of Harry. How much more can my poor boy take? I almost refused to believe it. I never trusted Severus, but I would have never thought him capable of such a thing. He was truly one of them all along. He had us all fooled. Albus always said that he trusted Severus with his life. It was a poor choice. To think I was almost beginning to change my perspective of him. He had saved Harry's life on various occasions. I almost thought that we had him all wrong.

Harry has been distant since it happened. He seems like he is preparing himself to do something big. He has even separated himself from his friends, and his girlfriend. Ginny seems to be good for him, I hope he doesn't break her heart. I know his friends well enough to understand that they will not abandon him. He will need everybody he can get on his side now. For as long as I have tried to deny it, destroying you-know-who is Harry's destiny. Neither of us chose this, but it came to us on that day when that psychotic maniac broke into our home and killed James. As much as this pains me, I know in my heart that my son is leaving me, and I cannot stop him.

July 1997

Severus

It is as Albus wanted it to be. I killed him. Draco's soul has been spared. I can't help but wonder what the sanctimonious bastard thought of my soul. Was it not worth saving? Was I so far gone? Was I beyond redemption? I am now officially the most hated wizard in all of Britain, if not the world. What have I done? I should have disobeyed. I should have allowed myself to die. It would have been better than this.

Most believe that I am a heartless bastard, but I am not. I have never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I never be but, it does not mean that I am unable to feel. Fortunately, I am alone on this night. My emotions are getting the better of me. I have kept it all hidden for far too long. I am well aware that I must continue to do so if I am to help protect the boy. It pains me to know that history will remember me as a cold hearted, murderous traitor. I cannot help but feel sad about that. I am a man after all. The thought that Lily will hate me even more than she does now is a heavy burden on my heart. Sobs wrack my body as the weight of what I have done crashes upon me as a wave on the shore. I must pull myself together. If the Dark Lord summoned me at this moment, I would surely be a dead man.

Lily

Everything at the Burrow is beautiful. The wedding that will take place tomorrow will be the event of the century, at least for the members of the Order. Remus married Tonks in simple ceremony before a ministry official. There was no pomp or circumstance for them. Thankfully, the girl was practical enough not to want any of that. Remus could not afford to give her anything like what would take place here. She loved him in spite of it. Dumbledore said that love was the most powerful magic, and when I see our friends in love, I begin to believe it true.

Not that I didn't have proof of that already. The senior members of the Order believe that my love for Harry is what saved him from You-Know-Who when he was a baby. I do not take credit for happened that day. It was fluke, really. Almost like the magic we all performed when we were children and had no control over. I have felt at peace since arriving at the Burrow earlier this summer. Yet the dangers that loom over every person here trouble me deeply. It's like a feeling that something big is going to happen soon, and I don't think I'm going to like it one bit.

August 1997

Severus

My "master" has taken over the ministry and my appointment as the new headmaster of Hogwarts is immanent. This is good news for me. It is not a position that I ever aspired to, but it puts me in place to do what is necessary for Potter, "Undesirable Number One". Dumbledore left the sword of Gryffindor to Potter in his will, but that fool Scrimgeour contested the will and returned the sword to the headmaster's office. Imbecile. I will have to find a find a way to get it to the boy's hands without him knowing that it came from me. The minimal amount of trust he had in me had been based on Dumbledore's word alone, and is very unlikely it holds true now.

He and his friends are on the run. I can only hope that they can evade capture and find the remaining Horcruxes. All will be lost if they do not, and my soul will have been torn for no reason. That mad man has to be defeated whatever the cost. I will give my very life if need be. Not this it worth much. I already know that I will not survive this war. When the Dark Lord learns of my betrayal, he will kill me. There is no question about it. It will be slow and painful. He enjoys torture. I shudder at the thought.


	8. Chapter 8

May 1998

Lily

Harry and his friends have been on the run for nearly a year. He is on a mission from Dumbledore. What it entailed I did not know. He was not willing to share that information. I cannot blame him for being so secretive. We kept things from him his whole life. He did not know all the secrets of the Order of the Phoenix. I had agreed not to disclose the information we shared at those meetings. Dumbledore had used us all, keeping the reins held tightly on all of us. All of us, that is, except for Severus. He had him fooled. He kept us dangling from a string, giving us just enough information to keep us satisfied while he gave his master everything.

A part of me resents Albus. We all thought he was wise and all knowing. How wrong we were. His 'wisdom' cost James' life. If he was as omniscient as we believed he should have been able to see through Peter's deception. Severus would not have murdered him so brutally. Harry says he begged for his life. I cringe at the mere thought of our former leader begging for mercy, especially at the hands of someone like Severus. How can someone that I once considered a friend have become so cold and callous? Albus gave him a chance to redeem the mistakes of his past. How did he repay him? By killing him, that's how. He would pay, even if I had to make sure of it personally. Albus had many flaws, but he did not deserve to die in such an undignified manner.

Severus

I have spent the school year doing everything that I could to protect the children. They have not made it easy for me, not that I expected them to. I did not expect to become the beloved headmaster that Albus had been during his tenure. With all honesty I must say this was the most difficult of my years spent at Hogwarts. That is including my years as a student as well. The animosity came from students who have always hated me, and from the former colleagues that felt betrayed by me. I must say that keeping it all together and not succumbing to a mental break down has been trying.

It is not as though I have not become accustomed to the hatred, but this is worse than ever before. Thank goodness that the time had finally come. The Dark Lord is here and the final confrontation will take place. I have to find a way to get to the boy before he faces the monster. He needs the truth. The information I plan to give to the little brat will probably not make a difference, but a part of me wants him to know everything. Perhaps it is selfish and self-serving, but I am a Slytherin after all; I will do something for me. I have sacrificed and given more than my share to this cause, vindication of my name is not much to ask.

Lily

He is attacking Hogwarts and my son is out there somewhere in the melee. This mad man will not give up until he kills my son. I will not allow that to happen. My heart is already breaking. Too many innocent people will die here today. This was a place of learning, there should never have been any blood shed here. I could not prevent that from happening. All I can do is fight, and protect as many of the young ones as I can. I will try to heal the wounded, if I am able. I carry my bag full of potions and balms. This is going to be an ugly battle. I don't like the idea that children are involved. You-know-who is such a sick son-of-a-bitch. How could he bring this here? He says that he has no desire to spill the blood of magical children, yet he brings a battle to the place where they live and learn. Oh, how I hate him. It should not have to end this way.

I see Harry in the distance. With him are Ron, and Hermione. They're headed towards the whomping willow. I had not laid eyes on my son in nearly a year. I could not resist the temptation to follow him. Using a branch to stop the braches from swinging violently, all three entered the secret passage. I follow them in just before the braches started swinging again. I keep quiet, just in case someone is already at the other end. I do not want to put them in any danger.

Harry pauses; he must have sensed me crawling through the tunnel behind them. His eyes opened wide when he saw me. I nearly cry at the sight of him, but I hold back. There would be time for that later. We continue our trek through the tunnel. When we reach the end, we wait. We hear the voice of You-Know-Who. He gives the order to Malfoy to fetch Severus. Something will surely happen now. I wonder what he needs his murderer to do for him. There is nothing we can do. We simply have to wait.

Severus

After practically being pushed out of a window, I land safely on the ground. I was the only one among the death eaters to master flight. It made the connection to Dark Lord even stronger, and that is exactly how I anticipated it would be. After years of being on the fringes of both organizations, I was finally in. The Dark Lord trusted no one, but my position with the Death Eaters was as close to trust as any other member had ever reached. I felt so smug when he claimed to be the world's most powerful legilimens, but he had no idea about my true loyalties. The hour when he would learn about said loyalties was near. Potter is somewhere on the grounds. I have to find him first.

The grounds are an abattoir, with all the bodies of the dead and injured strewed before me. I tried all year to protect the students, to keep them from harm. It seems like all my efforts will amount to naught before this over. I would like to help, but it is not the practical thing to do. I already know that Potter is at Hogwarts, but his whereabouts are mystery to every one.

Blast, Lucius is practically running towards me, there would be no time to find the boy now. He appears anxious. There is one person and one person only capable of causing that level of anxiety in the otherwise pompous arse of a man.

"Severus, the Dark Lord is requesting your presence," he simpers in an odd mixture of fear and vanity.

"Well now, it wouldn't do to keep him waiting" I respond, but it is not where I wanted to go. I keep my usual cool façade, but I want to find Potter. Time was of the essence.

When we reach the shack, the Dark Lord immediately dismisses Malfoy. I put up my occlumency shields in preparation for an invasion, but it never comes. The Dark lord begins to ramble about the wand. I beg him to let me go find Potter, to allow me to "bring the boy to him," but he isn't having any of it. I am too late. All my efforts have been in vain. I am struck by the realization that I will die here today, and the truth will die with me.

Before I even realize what is happening, that beast is at my throat. He has ordered Nagini to kill me. The demented whoreson will not even deign to kill me with his wand. At this moment, I understand, in a flood of shock. The wand in his possession will not work for him. The elder wand, Dumbledore's wand, he is killing me so that he will be its new master. How wrong he was. I had not defeated Dumbledore. I killed him, but I did not defeat him.

As I lie here, on the dusty floor of the old abandoned shack, I think of the irony. I will die in the same manner that I have always lived, alone and in pain. I am already succumbing to the venom. The wounds alone are enough to kill me, but the venom will be my downfall. With the necessary potions, I could survive this, but I do not have them in my possession. I have failed my mission. Albus would be so disappointed.

I am about to close my eyes and let myself die when I see him. I must be delirious, but no, it really is him. Potter and his friends are standing before me. The looks on their faces would be quite comical had the situation not been so dire. I have only one chance at this. I use every ounce of strength I have left in my weakening body and begin to force the memories he would need from mind. Thank whatever deities are listening for the Granger girl. She conjures a vial to capture them.

Harry Potter is down on his knees looking at me in total shock. Seeing the bane of my existence before me during the last moments of my life, I am shocked to fine myself saying, "Look… at… me…" It is hardly more than a whisper. For the first time in his life, Potter heeds my words, and then her eyes are before me. On the face of the child that should always have been mine. I look into those eyes one last time, and full of regret, allow my own to close, and then I saw no more.


	9. Chapter 9

**This is the last of the pre-written chapters. When I started posting, it was complete but then my laptop suffered a horrible death. All was lost! Alas, unbeknownst to the author all was not lost. I found the chapters that I got back from my beta while cleaning out my inbox. Yay! Chapter 10 was not among them but I'm working on it.**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing.**

Lily

I am the last one to crawl out of the tunnel. What I see when I finally reach the end is a great shock. Hermione is handing Harry a vial and he is collecting what seemed to be memories. Severus is truly an incredibly skilled wizard. He manages to amaze me even now. I have hated him for years, but I always recognized how talented he always was. Even now as he lies on this floor near death, I am in awe of him.

"Go Harry, I'll… tend to him. You must go now," I tell my child.

Severus is dying, and while I hate him, my obligation as a healer is to help him. I could not leave him here to die. Even Severus Snape does not deserve a fate so cruel. I begin to heal the wounds. It is imperative to stop the bleeding first. He has already lost so much blood. I wonder if there is any thing I can do.

-P.C-

I continued working on him. Thankfully, I had access to the anti-venom potion that the healers used on Arthur two years ago. It had a rather long shelf life and since no other witch or wizard had had any need of it since then I just helped myself. I thought of Harry when I took it. Fawkes had been around during his second year when the basilisk nearly killed him. The phoenix disappeared shortly after Dumbledore's death. I had to ensure that I would have all the medical supplies required to heal just about anything. I could not risk it otherwise.

Oh, Severus why did it have to be this way? I look upon the countenance of my former friend with regret. If I could change the past, things would have so different. Sev would have been sorted into Gryffindor with me and we would have been friends forever; just like we promised to do when we were little. I was crying now. I did everything I could do for him. It would be up to him now. If he has no will to live, there will be no hope for his survival. "Please don't die, Sev." I pled hoping that he was hearing me.

Severus

Lily. I can hear the sound of her voice. I must be in heaven. I wonder how that is remotely possible. Surely I deserve to be burning in the fiery pits of hell paying for all the wrong I did on earth. "Ugh," I groan pathetically. I am not dead. There is too much pain. I open my eyes, and she is there. Her hair is mussed there is a smudge of dirt on her face, and yet I have never witnessed a more beautiful site in all of my life. She is pacing and does not appear to notice that I am awake.

What I believed to be heavenly upon waking is actually a rant, "…and if you die you arrogant bastard. You… you… low life scum…"

Suddenly, her rampage takes on a different tone. "Don't die, please don't die." She is crying now. Why is Lily crying for me? I am much too tired, and in a great deal of pain. I will have to wait to find out.

Lily

He appears to be stable. He might have even been conscious at one point. I was too busy ranting to notice if it actually happened. I doubt if it did. That evil mad man was calling my Harry out. Threatening the lives of children, children! What a lowly coward. I desperately want to be out there but Severus needs me. If he were to wake up now he would require medical attention. I should probably leave him here… No, my oath forbids me to leave him to die. There are so many who could probably use my help right now…

I am so worried about Harry. He has lived through so much already. He never speaks about James, but I know that he wants to avenge his father's death. I can hardly blame him. It is what I have wanted myself for the past sixteen years. I hope he succeeds.

I hear a cry rise from the crowd at Hogwarts. Ron… Hermione… "Harry!" "NO!" No… no… not my baby! Not my baby! Sobs overtake me as I sink to the ground.

**I took liberty with Lily's profession. I don't recall if cannon ever specified what she or James did for a living. All we know is that he was very rich but Lils is a working class girl. I don't see her living a life of leisure.**


	10. Chapter 10

June 1998

Lily

It's been well over a month since the battle of Hogwarts ended. Severus has yet to awaken. His body has completely healed from the ghastly wounds inflicted by that horrid beast; I fear that his mind may be injured far worse than his body ever was. All of the injured have left the Hogwarts infirmary weeks ago and I should have left also. My services are no longer required, yet I linger here in the hopes that he will wake up soon. There is no other reason for me to really be here. During the weeks that followed the final battle, my conscience has bothered me greatly where Severus is concerned. Was I the catalyst for his becoming a death eater? All this time I believed that he would have joined them; regardless of what I thought. It turns out that a little kindness on my part could have made all the difference in his life.

I could easily relieve myself of this guilt by saying that I was just a teenaged girl, for that is the truth. During my time by his bedside I have reflected on the person that I truly am. I have always believed that I was good and kind, even when I was a just a girl. No matter how I look at what happened between Severus and I it always amounts to same thing. Seeing it his memories didn't help me feel any better about it. There's yet another thing to feel guilty about. I really shouldn't have looked at those. He gave them to Harry and I had no right. It might have been different if he died that day, Harry insisted that I needed to see and I did little to resist.

The hard truth is that I used that moment of poor judgment against him. He was the ugly duckling and very unpopular, even among his own house mates. I was at the height of popularity in the hierarchy of my house. The enmity between Severus and the boys in Gryffindor was at its peak. I had to find a way to ditch Severus and he gave it to me. Was I such a shallow person?

Of course I was hurt by the epithet he used but I could have forgiven him for it. His eyes, as he begged forgiveness were so full of sincerity and I almost gave in. It was my own desire to be known as more than just that _Gryffindor muggle born_ that kept me from doing so. I was just as ambitious as any Slytherin. Now my husband, my friends, and so many others are gone. I know that I cannot carry the burden of all the losses, you-know-who and his supporters were responsible for that. So why do I feel responsible too?

I always knew that Severus loved me. But I thought it was just a crush that he would eventually get over, and move on. It saddens me to know that all this time, everything he did, was for me. I had put Severus out of my mind after we finished school. It was after James' death, that I began to loath him. He was an easy target for the hate and anger that I felt. Poor Severus, he became a target for everyone else's too. After I ended our friendship he was totally alone and his only companion was the fate of our world on his shoulders. _It's time you get the recognition you deserve_. If only he would just wake up.

"Please wake up Sev." I take his hand into my own and beg.

He appears to be sleeping and there have been moments that I believed he would awaken. His eyelids flutter restlessly and I believe that it will happen very soon.

Severus

Lily. I hear her voice calling out to me. I want to open my eyes. I have been trying to do just that for what seems like an eternity. I'm just so tired. My eyelids are lead weight; it is so much easier to just keep them closed. But oh, how I long to see her. My Lily has cried for me, she calls out to me.

I am here Lily I call out, what actually comes out of my mouth is a pathetic sounding groan. I still struggle to open my eyes, vowing that this time I will not give up so easily. Eventually my eyes open and I immediately try to raise my hand to shield them. I fail miserably; my muscles are not cooperating with my efforts. Lily notices and dims the light with a wave of her wand. I am able to focus; I see that she is crying and want to tell her not to waste her tears on me but my voice seems to be gone. It is either from misuse or that vile beast severed my vocal chords.

It would be rather ironic if I survived and were unable to speak. That would not stop me from performing magic or brewing potions of course, but I would feel robbed. My speaking voice was my one true beauty. It was the thing that even the most handsome men envied about me. I probably could have seduced a harem full of women if my love of Lily would not have prevented me from doing so.

I did the only thing I could do. I waited for her to stop crying. I was always uncomfortable around crying girls and women but with her and for her I would endure anything. Not that it would have made a difference. I hadn't the strength to go anywhere of my own accord. When the last of the tears was finally shed and wiped of her face she spoke.

"Oh Sev, I'm so glad you're awake." I made another feeble attempt at speech and she shushed me abruptly.

"No! Don't speak. Your vocal chords were injured. I was able to heal the worst damage but you have been on healing potions since and will need them for a few more weeks."

Lily handed me a self-inking quill and a small book that looked like a journal so that I could communicate. "Poppy will give a strengthening solution soon and you will be able to write what you want to say."

I had so much to say to her. So many questions that I wanted to ask, and just as she predicted Poppy burst into the cubicle with potions. The old medi-witch was fussing and clucking over me while casting diagnostic spells. My questions for Lily would have wait until Poppy felt that I was healthy. I know that there would be others coming around soon enough. There was nothing more I wanted but to cherish this time alone with Lily.

The strengthening solution took affect almost immediately. I bolted right up. "Now, now Severus settle down," Poppy admonished gently. How longed to have my voice. I would eviscerate the old hag with my tongue.

Lily bounced from one foot to the other in a way that seemed so unlike her. Then again, it had been so long since we were friends that I no longer could be the judge of what her behavior was like. It was just odd that she acting like a nervous first year before the sorting ceremony. I sighed deeply once Poppy was satisfied that I would live to see another day. She raised my bed so that I could sit up. She nattered on a bit longer about how I was to take care of myself and that only liquids were allowed.

I could care less. I just wanted her to leave so that could be alone with Lily. When we were finally alone I took my journal and quill in hand. Before I got the chance to write the first question Lily took hold of my free hand. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears. I was so elated just to be holding her hand that the words she spoke did not sink in immediately.

"Oh Severus, I'm so glad you're awake." My heart skipped a beat, I was sure I would collapse and die. "Harry will be so happy to hear." Of course it was about Potter. Never mind that I nearly died. It would have been preferable if I had. I extracted my hand from hers and scratched furiously into the first page of the journal.

_**Please send Poppy back in.**_

Lily questioned me with her eyes, but she did as I asked. When the old matron returned I wrote a note for her hoping that she would understand my meaning.

_**Please ask her to leave. I would rather be alone.**_

She understood perfectly. Lily did not return that evening, or the next day, or the day after that.

**I thought that I would be done with this chapter but the story seems to be writing itself. Thanks for your kind reviews, for making this story a favorite and putting it on alert.**

**~PS**


	11. Chapter 11

**As always, these characters do not belong to me. The only thing that is mine is the situations I put them in.**

**Thank you all for the kind reviews. I noticed a trend in the reviews for this story. This dictated to a certain degree the direction the story is going in now.**

**Everyone is being awfully hard on Lily. Yes, she was cruel to poor Severus and she is not by any means my favorite character either. So I won't defend her actions. I will however, look at them objectively. Most teenagers want to be popular and in order to achieve that status you have to sometimes distance yourself from friends who could never belong to a certian clique, group, etc. Was it shallow and messed up? Yes, but it happens all the time. Teenagers are under a lot of pressure to fit in. Even the ones that are secure and good looking.**

**And yes, it happens with adults too. On with the story.**

December 1998

Lily

It's snowing again. It really shouldn't be snowing so early in the season but I won't complain. The sight of the white flakes flying by window should make me feel safe. I should feel sheltered and warm, watching the inclement weather from the comfort of my home. So why is it that I feel like one of those solitary snowflakes being battered by the wind, tossed to and fro? The answer is simple and yet complicated. Oh, Severus. Why did you turn me away?

No matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about him. He is somehow haunting me in spite of the fact that he miraculously managed to live. Yes he lives but what a sad and lonely existence it must be. Last I heard he refused to take his old job back at Hogwarts. I would hate to think that Severus might have fallen on hard times. Oh Merlin, I'm crying again. It's all I seem to do lately and Harry is here. I can't let him see me at it, but it's too late. He saw me wipe my eyes.

"Mum, are you alright?"

"Yes," I sniff "I'm fine Harry."

"Then why were you crying?"

"It's almost Christmas Harry, and I've been thinking about your father." It wasn't a complete lie. I actually have been thinking about James, and Sirius, well, all of them. They were all too young to die, even Peter.

"I didn't really get to know him, but I understand." I hugged my sweet boy. He was so grown up, between his time at school and the bloody war I feel like I missed it.

"Don't you worry about your old mum, son. I'm sure you'd much rather spend time with Ginny."

"'s okay mum. If you need me, Ginny can wait." He took my arm and led me away from the window.

We sat down on the old battered couch that was James'. I should have replaced it ages ago but I haven't had the heart to get rid of it. The charms that keep it from falling apart will have to be renewed again soon I note, as I make to sit down.

"Harry I want you to enjoy this time with Ginny. I know that there aren't evil wizards out to get you anymore but–" I stop talking because my tears are about to overwhelm me this time. I sniff loudly "what I'm trying to say son, is that life is short. Don't waste it on petty things."

Harry was pensive, something quite rare. He's so like his father who always had a tendency to put his foot in his mouth. This scares me a bit.

"When you say petty things, do you mean like the grudge between you and Professor Snape?"

I gasped. When had my son become so intuitive? That Weasley girl was definitely a good influence on him, much to my chagrin. My humiliation complete, I am forced to give my son an answer.

"Harry," I start. "What happened between Severus and I is not so easily fixed."

"Care to tell me why not?" My son asks with a naiveté that confirms his age. "Ron, Hermione, and I argued all the time. We've all said horrible things we didn't mean."

"Yes, you've managed to forgive but none of would have waited twenty two years to do so." I started crying again. I knew that it was horrid but saying it aloud made it even more so.

"Mum." His eyes look directly into mine. It's strange at times, like staring into my own eyes. "Go to him."

"Harry," I take his hand; the astonishment of what he said still palpable in my voice. "You do realize what kind of relationship Severus desired of me."

My son swallowed deeply, as if his next words were difficult to say. "Yes. He loved you mum. He probably still does."

"Then you understand why I just can't go knocking on his door." I said, hoping that this would squash the matter. Harry broke eye contact with me before speaking again. I thought I had succeeded. Oh, how wrong I was.

"Dad has been gone for a long time." Harry spoke the words with little emotion and that frightened me. I know saying this was difficult for him, it was nearly as difficult for me to hear it.

Harry took a few minutes to compose himself before speaking again. "Professor Snape is a good man. He deserves to know that you've forgiven him."

"Harry," I protest but give up easily since I haven't got an argument for what he just said.

"Whatever happens, or doesn't happen will be fine." He kisses my cheek. "Just go, you'll feel better once you've done it."

"I'll think on it." With Harry's blessing given, I already knew that I'd do it. I just need to work up the courage.

Severus

Whoever has the nerve to be knocking at my door will learn that I am not to be trifled with. The wards were triggered just as I was about to add shavings from an erumpent horn to a very delicate potion. They would soon learn what the fear of Snape is. I open the door ready to rain down my wrath upon the unwelcome intruder, to my shock and amazement I am face to face with Lily.

"What do you require?" I ask with as much vitriol as I can muster. It takes a bit of an effort as she has truly surprised me with her presence.

"Severus, may I come in?" she is shuffling her feet. It is bitterly cold but I ignore this.

"Of course Mrs. Potter." I have recovered from the jolt and the condescending tone in voice spews forth with nary a struggle on my part.

"Where are my manners?" I asked sweetly. I never even bothered to offer her a seat.

"Why are you calling me that?" she retorts. It is a poor come back Lily, I expected better.

"It is who you are," I arch my eyebrow for effect. "Is it not Mrs. Potter?"

"Sev," she says in a whiny voice that would have made me cringe if I were not in control of my expressions. "I've come to talk. You sent me away from Hogwarts and if you send me away now I may never bring myself to do this again."

I am now intrigued but I will not give in to her so readily. I am no longer that pathetic little boy she led by a string. I remember myself again and I offer her a place to sit on the dusty old sofa.

"Say whatever it is you have to say and leave. I have a very important potion in stasis and it can't remain that way for long." This is a lie, it could stay that way forever, but the sooner she is gone the sooner I can put her out of my mind again.

"Oh, you're selling potions?" Her face lit up and I almost believed she was happy for me.

"My business is my own Madam; do not stray from the matter at hand." My curt response wiped the grin off her lovely face. It was cruel, but if she looks less beautiful I can keep myself in check.

I must have truly knocked the wind out of her sail because she looked defeated. I was beyond curious to know why she was here. If I ever intended on finding out I would have to keep my ire under wraps, for now. I took the respite in the conversation to clear my mind. The exercise helped me to calm down enough to allow her to have her say without biting her head off. She had been watching me the whole time, probably waiting for the right moment to speak. I'm glad that she picked up that inciting my anger would not be a wise thing. Whatever foolish emotions I may have bestowed upon her, does not change the fact that I am a dangerous man.

When I was sufficiently calm she began speaking again. "I, that is," she was babbling incoherently but I waited patiently. Lily had never been one to hold back. She would say what she was thinking soon enough.

"What I'm trying to say is," finally, she almost completed a sentence.

"Oh, Merlin's bloody beard, Severus I forgive you. For calling me a mudblood." Well, I certainly hadn't expected that.

"How beneficent of you Mrs. Potter." Anger could not begin to define what I was feeling. I felt heat rushing to head and, my ears felt like I had drunk a pepper up potion. "You and that pretentious prat you married deserved each other.

How dare you march into my home after all these years." My voice had risen to a low roar and I knew that I was losing control but I was unable to contain myself, "after everything that I have sacrificed? You, forgive me Madam?

I think that it is you who should be begging me for forgiveness." By the expression on her face I knew that I had gone too far.

Somehow I could not bring myself to care. My feelings for her had not changed but, the way they affected me had. I would no longer be her whipping boy. If she could not bring herself to grant me forgiveness before, I was unwilling to accept it now. I had fought and won. I kept my promises, her son is alive and well, and probably on his way towards siring a bloody quidditch team with the Weasley girl.

"I'm so sorry Severus," she spoke in voice so low it was practically a whisper. I was surprised and the tears in her eyes would have done me in if I had not been so determined to push her away.

Tamping down my desire to be hurtful I replied, "if turning from the Dark Lord and giving up nearly half my life to ensure your son's safety was not enough to show you how truly penitent I was, than I neither want nor need your apologies."

I opened the front door and she walked out of it, and out of my life.

**Didn't you just love Sev? Tell me what you think. **

**~PS**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I want to thank everyone who has reviewed and added this story to their favorites. **

**These characters do not belong to me and I make no money from my meagre offering to this site. **

**This chapter has not beta read please forgive any errors, be they in the for of spelling or grammar.**

December 1998

Severus

When I felt that someone had overstepped the boundaries of my wards I was not surprised. I didn't think she was such a glutton for punishment and that she would be back so soon. Opening my door to find her son standing there did not cause a loss of self-control, but I was forced to quickly reevaluate my plan of attack. The boy would be easier to bait than Lily. She knows me better than most people, so I had to work harder than usual with her. This was going to be easy by comparison.

"Tell me Potter," I spat his name out; it was always bitter on my tongue. "Are we to draw wands at dawn?"

"Draw wands?" His confusion was quite amusing. "What are you talking about?"

"It was a simple question." Making him sputter like that almost made me smile.

"I don't know what you're going on about, Snape." I often wonder if he would have been able to defeat the Dark Lord if he had not become the master of the Elder wand. He has so little control over his emotions. Nothing I taught him seemed to stick.

"Are you here to defend your dear mother's honor?"

"No, of course not sir, my mum is a powerful witch and quite capable of defending herself."

I didn't respond to that. It was quite true. Lily didn't need her son to defend her. "So what do you do want from me?"

It was a poor comeback, but I figured that the best way to get rid of him was to use the direct approach.

"I know that it isn't any of my business," I snorted at this, "but after everything that's happened I need to understand why?"

"That is the understatement of the year Potter."

"It still doesn't answer my question sir." I would never answer his question. Not that I had the answer myself, but it was not something I was likely to ever admit, and certainly not to Potter.

"You will just have to leave here without having your curiosity satisfied, I'm afraid." I responded, hoping that he would take the hint and leave. Unfortunately this boy was as dense as his father before him.

"I believe you are." He said to me, while squaring his shoulders and daring to look me in the eye.

"You believe I am what Potter?" I glared at him knowing full well that the boy was baiting me, but something in him, so reminiscent of his father was causing me to lose control of my emotions.

"You're afraid sir," he had the gall the say, but it was the smirk on his face after the fact that cause me rage at him like never before.

"How dare you!" I bellowed, not caring what damage I would be doing to my throat. "You had better leave this instant boy. My vow to protect you scrawny hide has been fulfilled, and if you value your life you will cease to darken my door with your presence."

"I… I…" he stammered. There, that will teach him to respect his betters. It felt quite good to knock him down a few pegs. Savior of the wizarding world, indeed.

"Please sir, I didn't mean to offend you." The boy was backtracking now. How typical.

"I don't care what you meant. I want you to leave now. I neither owe you nor your mother, anything." It should have ended there, and anybody with even a small amount of common sense would have left already, but not Potter.

"I grew up without a father; my mother is growing old without a husband." He was really pushing it now.

"Yes, and I sacrificed my youth and nearly paid with my life for the part I played in your father's untimely demise." This conversation was accomplishing nothing, and yet I felt powerless to end it. For all that I claimed to have paid my debt; even I knew that I would never be completely free of the Potters.

"You love her, or at least you did at one time. Why would you push her away when she is reaching out to you?"

The gloves where off now, and he was going in for the kill, metaphorically that is. It was now or never. I had to end it now.

"What transpired between your mother and I happened long before you were even a thought in anyone's conscience. That is precisely where I would like to leave it. Any chance of reconciliation between us died in the corridor that led to the Gryffindor common room. Now Potter, if you have any sense of respect towards me you will leave at once and never return."

There, that should do it.

"Alright sir I'll leave you be, but you really shouldn't wait another twenty two years to make things right. She knows she was wrong and she cares for you."

With that he left. I should have been happy to see the back of him. So why were his words playing in my head over and over again? I never stopped loving her, that's why. For all that I treated her coldly and callously, my heart stilled pined for her. Would I ever be free of these blasted Potter's? It seemed that I would not.

The fact that I owed her a life debt never left my thoughts. Thankfully, neither she nor the boy had thrown in my face. I hadn't asked her to save my life; I fully expected to die that day. Not that I was in position to ask for anything at any rate. Still, she could have left me there to die in a pool of my own blood. A rather undignified way to die, but when have I ever been afforded any dignity?

I would not let that boy affect me. I would not be paying any visits to Lily Potter anytime in the near or distant future. I don't understand why the boy came here. Cleary, she hadn't sent him. The Lily I knew would have been too proud to do a thing like that, and she was no shrinking violet. Anything that she would have had to say to me or anyone else for that matter would have been said without the benefit of an emissary. If she was hurt by my rather rough treatment of her, then so be it.

It was she who left me broken hearted and friendless. How dare she and her wretched son try and turn the tables. These thought are not doing anything to make me feel any better about the way I've chosen to deal with my past. Not that it matters much. The more I think on it the more it becomes painfully obvious that they don't understand that I could never be just a friend to her. Pushing her away was the best thing I could do for me. My heart would never withstand being near to Lily and being unable to love her. Living with the knowledge that she will never return my feelings is torment enough. For once in my sorry life, I've done what is best for me.

**End notes: I'm not sure how I should end this which is why I've taken so long to update. Most of my reviewers have stated that they would not like to see Severus and Lily end up together. I'm not saying that it will happen one way or another but I'd like some opinions.**


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